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英文メール、英文日記、英文エッセイで「思い」を伝える。書く英語の学習コミュニティ |
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英語便上達度コンテスト「Improvement Challenge 2009」 入賞者作品発表
２００９年６月、英語便上達度コンテスト「Improvement Challenge 2009」が開催されました。 このコンテストは、最近最も上達したメンバーを探すイベントです。 英語便のネイティブ講師陣が、上達前・上達後の作品を文法・語彙・スタイルの観点から比較、上達指数として採点した結果、３名の「Greatest improvement」 （最も上達したメンバー） ８名の「Great Improvement」 （著しく上達したメンバー）が選ばれました。 この頁では、「Greatest Improvement」受賞３名と、「Great Improvement」受賞５名の作品を公開しています。 (メールなど、プライベートな情報を含む作品は公開を控えさせていただいております。）
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2008/1/1 by
Marcel先生 |
2009/2/2
by Paul先生   01.Although some people say nuclear power shouldn't be used because of the nuclear waste and the fear for of accident s , I believe agree that the use of nuclear power should be expanded for the following reasons. 02. 03. Firstly, the demand for electricity is increasing. As more and more developing countries need electricity, it is impossible to produce enough electricity without depending of nuclear energy. Nuclear energy is one of the most efficient ways of producing electricity. 04. 05.Secondly, the price of oil is soaring because of the high demand of the oil and the shortage of oil supply. As oil should can be used not only for electricity but also many ways such as plastic products and fuels, we should substitute nuclear energy for oil to produce electricity. 06. 07.Finally, in order to stop global warming, it is efficient to utilize nuclear energy rather than fossil fuels which emit a lot of CO2. Nuclear energy is clean energy as long as they are it is used safely. 08. 09. Considering the problems as I mentioned above, it is inevitable that the use of nuclear power should be expanded. Although we need to use nuclear energy safely and properly, I believe using nuclear energy is the best way to provide electricity both environmentally and economically. （先生コメント） 01. We have fear 'of' things. When talking in general terms we usually use the plural form of countable nouns We 'agree with something' so it is better in this case to say 'believe' or 'feel' 02. 03. This paragraph is perfect 04. 05. The use of 'should' in each clause is a problem. It is better to use 'can' in the first clause in order to establish the reason for the recommendation in the second clause. 06. 07. 'energy' is non-count 08. 09. No problems in the final paragraph. This is excellent. The structure and content are of a high standard and conform with what Eiken is looking for. |
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2007/11/3
by Steven先生 
01.Good morning Xxxxxxxxx! 02.How are you? 03. 04.Now I completely understand your situation. 05.If your reply is late, no one will blame you. 06.Two-year-old son and daughters' mother, you must be so busy every day. 07. 08.At first when I saw your name Xxxxxxxx, 09.I felt what a nice name it was. 10.She must be so gentle and kind. 11.And now I know my guess is correct. 12.Your email is filled with a lot of happiness, and warmth. 13.You and your family sounds are so nice. 14. 15.A little late, but happy birthday to you. 16. 17.And what a nice birthday it was!! 18. 19.Your son must've been the hero on of the day. 20.I really want to see his dancing. 21. 22.Thank you so much for your mail. 23.I really enjoyed to readingit. 24. 25.Today I'm going to go to a museum. 26.I'd like to tell you about the exhibition and my fitness maybe next time. 27. 28.Have a nice weekend! 29. 30.Xxxxxx 31. （先生コメント） 01. Let's use capitals for names! 02. 03. 04. 05. 'Will blame' sounds best here... (if your mail is late, i.e., in the future.) 06. 07. 08. 09. 10. 11. 12. warmth - noun; not 'warm' - adjective 13. The 'be' verb sound too strong, as if you've met them. 'Sounds' or 'seems' have just the right amount of introductory distance. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. The idiom is 'the hero of the day'. 20. 21. 22. 23. I enjoyed [verb-ing] it. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. |
2009/6/5
by Therese先生
01.It’s interesting that two different people can not write one signature in the completely same way. Of course if somebody practices to write some other person’s signature repetitively he might be able to write it almost in the same way, even though to write it in the completely same way is quite difficult. 02. 03.Another reason why people don’t want to do such a thing is because it’s illegal. According to the law , when people write some other person’s signature on official documents, they are punished, so most people don’t want to do such a thing. There are, however, some people who try to forge a signature. In that case they are arrested soon and sent to a prison. In the prison they have to be in a cell, a narrow, dark, and small room, and it is really uncomfortable, so there are few people who try to do such an evil thing as to forge a signature. 04. 05.I prefer writing my signature to using my seal. I think using a seal is not convenient. First of all I have to buy a good seal. I was surprised to know that some of them are very expensive. Secondly I have to register it at a city hall or a ward office. Further more I have to bring it whenever I write my name on legal documents. For example when I go to Japanese banks I need my seal to withdraw some money. I mean, when I want to withdraw some money from the bank, I have to fill out a form and put my seal on it before I get it. There were many cases where I went to the bank, filled out the form, and then I remembered that I had left my seal behind. I got angry at myself and I was also irritated by the fact that I had to bring my seal with me. If it’s in America, all I have to do is to write my signature with my pen. 06. 07. （先生コメント） 01. Use the adverb form here (as you did at the end of this paragraph). 02. 03. Use a comma after the "set-up" phrase of the sentence (the beginning part which explains the situation or history of the topic of the sentence). You are referring to these people, and therefore prison, in general so you don't need "a" in this sentence. 04. 05. This is a Japanese use of "know", instead say "learn" or "find out". You found out in the past so "was surprised" is OK, however they are still expensive so use the present tense here (are very expensive). 06. 07. This is an excellent translation! Keep up the good work! |
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'You have always been quite accurate with your writing. Your mistakes tend to be relatively small and don't cause confussion. This is likely connected to you interest in translation. One think that has improve is the complexity of your language. You are writing more sophisticated sentences by combining ideaswhile still using shorter, simple sentences to make your work more interesting. It has a nice natural flow. |
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伝えたい内容があやふやなときは、やはり英文も貧弱になっていました。どう書くかより何を書くかの重要性を学べました。そのための情報収集をしたり、文章の組み立てを考えたり、それぞれの形式にふさわしい表現法を少しずつ使い分けられるようになったと思います。 易しいようで難しい単数形・複数形の区別や冠詞の有無なども、添削を重ねる度に身に付いてきたと思います。 |
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しばし休んでいたので、今後また、以前のようにあらゆることに積極的に参加していきたいです。 |
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家の事情でしばし休会する前は、月二回の課題は必ず提出していました。大勢の方々とのメール交換、英語便トップページのDaily
Tidbitを使って日記を書いたり、Q&A掲示板に自分の考えを書くのも好きです。 |
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| 2008/10/15
by Marcel先生
01.Hi my lovely children, 02. 03.How are you all? 04.Have you decided what you will be on this Halloween? 05.I look forward to having you all in my Halloween party. 06 .Please take a look at the previous monthly letters to confirm about details . (Date:10/26 1:30〜3:00p.m. Place: The G-Center, free of charge) 07. 08 .I'll send you this mail to add some contents to the previous letters. 09.We will have a Halloween drawing market . 10.Adults will be shop owners and children will be customers. 11.Using money would make our activity more interesting, so please make fake money (10 one-dollar bills each) . You must write "Happy Halloween Bank" on each fake bill. You can get drawings at the Halloween market. Parents will draw you a picture that you request. 12.You ask them like this: 13. "A witch, please." "A black cat, please." "How much is it?" 14.If you get a drawing and it is nice, you can say, "That's great!" 15.Let's enjoy the shopping game using your fake money. 16. 17.Also we will have play BINGO game . 18.You will draw pictures of a bat, a cat, a witch, etc, on a BINGO sheet card . 19.You are very good at drawing, so it should be very exciting. 20.The party will be concluded by end with "trick-or-treat". 21. You can't wait? 22. 23. Make sure what you should bring to the party. 24. 10 one-dollar bills, OK? 25. 26.Akira 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. （先生コメント） 01. 02. 03. 04. You don't need a preposition (on) with 'this'. 05. 06. This is too 'business-like' to send your children. I would write ' please come to The G-Center on October 26th from 1:30 to 3:00'. 07. 08. There is no reason to explain this. 09. I can't imagine what this is. 10. 11. Use parenthesis to add a side thought. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 'Play' makes it more active. 18. We usually use BINGO 'cards'. 19. 20. 'End' is less formal. 21. This should be a question form (Can you wait?). 22. 23. You should make it clear what they need to bring to the party (e.g. Make sure to bring your ready-made fake money). 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. |
2009/2/17
by Steven先生
01."All 4 Love" Chocolate 02. 03. Many people love to get chocolates, especially on Valentine's Day. 04. Why chocolates? 05. The answer is that chocolates can enhance your energy to live. 06. We are now offering you amazingly tasty chocolates for your favorite people at reasonable prices. 07. 08."All 4 Love" is the name of our specialty for Valentine's Day this year. 09.In a box of "All 4 Love", there are 4 pieces of chocolates whose tastes are different . The beauty of them is that they are not so sweet, but you can enjoy to trying them. 10. Containing lots of minerals, the salty one can help you think clearly. 11 .The sour one can make your eyes refreshed thanks to blueberries. The hot one can keep you in good shape because it contains red pepper. And the bitter one can make you happy because it contains 80% cacao. 12. 13.Be a nice giver and you will be able to be a nice receiver when you buy 4 boxes of "All 4 Love" . 14.Yes! We are giving away another box of "All 4 Love" for 4 boxes. 15. What are you waiting for? Love is yours! 16. （先生コメント） Note: You must work in advertising: you hit all the right buttons with just the right timing. Great job - I'm giving you perfect marks for this... And rushing out to get my 'All 4 Love'. 01. 02. 03. Lines #3 - #6 give the classic: statement; question; answer; pitch. Brilliant! 04. 05. 06. Delightful use of adjectives! 07. 08. 09. 'Different' does not really express the kind of fantastic wonderment you should be generating at this point. How about using something like 'each a unique universe of delight'. 'Trying them' expressed the act of eating them a bit better. 10. Nice point. 11. I'd use 'the' with each of these. Lovely descriptions. 12. 13. A little shorter is better here. 14. 15. Excellent sign-off tag! 16. |
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You have made a nice transition from writing that is a rather formal, 'textbook style' to something more casual and colorful. This is no easy task, because it is likely the result of getting a better 'feel' for English. I would also say that your writing is more accurate, because I'm seeing fewer mistakes in your recent work. |
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英語便加入時からずっとエッセイ添削をして貰っています。当初は、「(1)終始一貫しないpro/con立場設定、(2)分かりづらい理由付け、(3)日本語的曖昧表現」に代表されるエッセイでした。しかし、最近はその３点を克服したので、添削後は青字（曖昧さの指摘）が減る一方、青緑ハイライト（印象的表現）が増え、４月には初の６鉛筆（グレードのこと）を頂きました！ |
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現在の課題は「(1)単語言い換えの幅を広げる、(2)冠詞および前置詞選びに対する迷いを減らす、(3)１５００ワード（英語便測定値、MSWordでは300words相当）エッセイを毎回３０分で完成させる」です。 |
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先生からのコメントを次回以降のエッセイ作成に反映させるため、出来る限り１日１回書くようにしています。また、最近は添削後のエッセイを何度も声に出して読むようにしています。 |
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| 2007/4/9
by Jeff先生
01. Although some people think that traveling in a group is best, I prefer traveling alone for two reasons. 02. Firstly First, I would not have to mind what my friends wanted to do if I were to travel with them. Of course, it is nice to share our impressions. However, if my interest were different from my companions, it would be inconvenient to decide on what to do during our travels. For example, when I was a university student, I went to France on my own for a week. I was free to go anywhere at any time that I wanted, and I enjoyed it very much. 03. Secondly Second, if I were to travel with my friends, I would have no opportunities to make friends with the local people because I would be satisfied with the companionship of my friends. If I were alone, I could talk to a lot of local people and get much information about learn a lot local life customs. Moreover, if I were to visit English speaking countries, talking with the locals would help me to improve my English ability. 04. In conclusion, I prefer traveling alone to traveling with my friends for the two reasons I mentioned above. 05. （先生コメント） 01. -This is a very good opening sentence for a couple of reasons. First, it is very simple to understand, and the grammar is perfect. Second, you present an argument that is well constructed. You take an issue (traveling in groups) and clearly say what you think. This is very good in an academic paper. Great job! 02. -"Firstly" is very awkward and rarely used in American English. "First" gives your sentence a much stronger feel. I would say, "First, by traveling alone, I would not have to wonder about what my friends wanted to do were I to travel with them." In my sentence, I used a hypothethical sentence like you did, but made it a little more formal using an alternative structure, "were I to..." Second, "would not have to mind what..." is a little long. Shorten it up some. -"Inconvenient is not the right word to use. "Deciding" is never "inconvenient". "Uncomfortable" might be a better word. 03. -I would use "second" just to give the sentence a bit more emphasis. -Instead of saying "local life", I think "local customs" is a better phrase. "Local life" makes it sound like you are studying them because they are on the same level as a science experiment. -If there is another verb to use instead of "get", that word is always better to use. "Get" is very casual. In some cases, however, it is the only word that fits. 04. -"Help (someone) do (something)" is the best pattern to use. 05. Great job on this essay. I think you did a good job stating your opinion, making good points, and supporting your argument. Keep up the good work. Jeff |
2009/6/4
by Therese先生
01. Some people believe that it is better to enjoy their money when they earn it because they cannot always enjoy whenever they want. However, I think that we should save our money for some time in the future for two reasons: improvement of our skills and our postretirement lives. 02. 03.First, in my opinion, people should put money for some time in the future because they need to improve their skills for finding a better job. Recently, many workers have been laid off by their companies due to the current economic recession. However, since most of them do not have enough money to survive this period, they tend to rush to claim for public assistance. In addition, since they do not have any money to improve their skills during their unemployment, it makes them finding a new job more difficult to find a new job . If you saved $5,000,000 US , you could go to graduate school in the US. After graduation from school, it would be easier to find a new job because you could have a master degree and higher English skills not only in Japan but also in the world. 04. 05.Second, I think that people should save money for some time in the future because it is necessary to have a lot of money to live after their retirement. In Japan, there is a public pension system. Recently, this system has been on the brink of collapse because the number of elderly people has been increasing. Another reason is that the number of young people who have to pay money for the system has been decreasing. Moreover, people will spend more money on medical treatments after retirement. In Japan, elderly people allegedly receive two hundred thousand yen monthly pension in general. However, if they got a serious disease, they would pay a lot of money and it would be difficult to manage the rest of their pension. 06. 07.In conclusion, I believe that it is better to save money for some time in the future when people earn for the two above-mentioned reasons. It might be fun that you can enjoy your money. However, now that a lot of unexpected problems , such as economic recession , occur, it is necessary for us to have more money. 08. （先生コメント） 01. This is a very impressive beginning! 02. 03. "put" is vague, say either "put away" or "save". "it makes them more difficult" is unclear because finding the job is difficult, not the people themselves. Instead say "it makes finding a new job more difficult" or "it makes it more difficult to find a new job". When you are talking about money, use numbers. 04. 05. This is an excellent way to describe the situation. "brink of collapse" demonstrates that you are very comfortable with your vocabulary. 06. 07. You don't need to say "when people earn" because it is understood from the word "save". Use a comma before and after you give an example, for example "such as economic recession." 08. This is an excellent essay. You illustrated your point very clearly. |
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Indeed you are making fewer mistakes and you’ve cleaned up your English a lot. It’s most obvious in your second essay in the introduction and conclusion. It your first essay, your introduction is just a single sentences and is probably just a rewording of the original question. Whereas in the second essay, you create a bit more anticipate by putting in more detail. Also, in the body of the essay you use quite complex sentence structure more often that you used to. I believe it’s because you are becoming more confident in your writing. |
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英語便を使い始めた当初は、文章の意味が通じているのかどうかを意識する事で精一杯でした。今でも正しいかどうかはもちろん不安ですが、少しずつ使える表現が増え、どちらの方がより”自然”かという事も気にしながら書くことができるようになってきたと思います。また、以前は文章が冗長になりがちで、文法的には正しいにしても読みにくいものが多かったと思います。今は以前よりも無駄が少ない文章が書けるようになってきたと思います。 |
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簡単な文章であれば、ある程度正確に書けるようになってきたと思うのですが、まだ表現力に不安があります。もっと比喩的な表現や、文章の流れにあった冗談なども入れていけるようになりたいです。また、仕事で使うような英語や、逆に非常に親しい友人へのメールなど、フォーマル度が極めて高いか低いものを書くのが苦手なので、様々なフォーマル度の文章を書ける力をつけたいです。 |
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添削結果は全て印刷し、ファイルにまとめてあります。それを定期的に見返したり、直していただいたものを音読するなどして、同じようなミスを犯さないように努めています。添削をしていただく際には、似たような表現を何度も使わずに、できるだけ最近を覚えた、まだ使いなれていない表現を使うようにしています。 |
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| 2008/10/19
by Leigh先生
01. As I transferred this year from the faculty of law to this present department, which is the English Communication department . This means I have to go to the classes of the freshman and sophomores too even though I'm a junior in university. It's tough to go to different year these classes , but it's also a good chance to make friends with people who are not the same age as me , and I'm glad to have such friends . In addition, I'm enjoying classes much more than before, so I believe I made a the right decision. （先生コメント） 01. The opening sentence was far too long. 'Different year classes' sounds like Japanese English. 'It's tough to go to these classes' is better. It is understood you're glad to have such friends. Right or wrong, so you need 'the'. Good try. I hope these small corrections help you. Good luck. |
2009/6/4
by Lucas先生
01.I work part-time as a tutor. I tutor a junior high school student in English and Japanese. I worked at a private tutoring school before, but teaching him is more stimulating . I have to say it's because he has a learning disability. He has a little trouble remembering things and sorting them out in his mind. On the other hand, he has an amazing memory for what he likes. He loves trains and he is an expert on where a train stops or which line a station has. I therefore believe he will do well in his study if he get intrigued by it. My job is to get him interested in studying, right? I need to be patient now and then in teaching him, but through tuturing him I have learned many things. Particularly, I think I have improved my teaching skills. I came to realize the way I taught before was not good and effective. 02.He is a third year student now, and he is going to have an entrance examination at the end of this school year. I'll help him as much as I can and he'll make it! （先生コメント） 01. Excellent word choice. You could say, 'Based on what I've seen, he's more inclined to remember something that intrigues him.' Nice tag question. You could say 'ideal' instead of 'good' here. It sounds like you are teaching each other. 02. Fantastic diary entry, very interesting writing. |
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You are doing quite well. Unquestionablly your biggest improvement is what you choose to write. In your early work you tended to write more than necessary. You now have a better sense of 'context' and what the reader can assume from it. Also, I have to comment on the changein the number of mistakes you make. It has dropped quite dramatically. You are obiviously being much more careful when you write. Very good improvement. |
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昔は文章が単調でそれぞれが短く切れているように感じます。少し文章の流れが良くなったような気がします。 |
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伝えたいことをなるべく正確に書くことと文章の流れをスムーズにしたいです。 |
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Ｑ＆Ａのコーナーやミスファイアーは書きとめています。勿論、添削して頂いたものもノートにつけています。 |
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| 2007/6/26
by Steven先生
01.Good morning , Xxxxxxxx! 02. 03.Thank you for your nice mail. 04.I became a member of Eigobin! 05.I'm looking forward to learning things through Eigobin. 06. 07.I understand that you are busy taking care of your lovely boy , . 08. b ut it's great for you to learn English through the Internet. 09.I live with my husband, my father-in-law and a lovely dog. 10.I've been learning English at a language school for about 3 years. I have a great American teacher who teaches me many things. I'm proud of having him as my teacher. He chooses a variety of topics and last time I learned world's refugee and Africa . There are many problems in on the African continent, like racial problems, poverty, etc. . I feel really sorry for them. 11.I'm sorry that I chose a heavy topic as a start. 12. 13. I'm curious about many things and how others think on things. 14.Please tell me more about movies , and books which you've been interested in. 15. 16.I'm looking forward to your next mail. 17. 18.Have a nice day! 19.Xxxxxx （先生コメント） 01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. These two sentences will combine perfectly with the 'but' transition because you are contrasting two things: being busy, and getting something accomplished (despite the busyness). 08.or, "...great that you learn..." 09. This sentence has nice balance, and makes a good statement, but it seems to tumble downhill and end on a low note. How would I fix it? (And I only dig this deep for people who seem like they can really use it... That's a compliment.) "I live with my husband, my father-in-law and our lovely dog, Snoopy." Somehow giving the (lovely) dog's name at the finish gives the sentence a warm glow. 10. a variety, a bunch, a plethora, ('a' is necessary) "I learned about... something" : about. And, more description of the thing you learned is necessary to make sense here. Things are/ happen ON continents. Continent needs 'the'. Et cetera is abbreviated 'etc.' then you also need a period (.) after it to end the sentence. 11. 12. 13. 14. If your list includes only two things use 'and' and no comma. For three or more things, use commas. or, "...have interested you." 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. |
2009/4/11
by Lucas先生
01.Hi Xxxxxxx, 02. 03. 04.How are you doing? 05. 06. 07.Thank you for your messages . 08.First of all, please let me straighten out something about my yoga experience. 09.I haven't had the feeling of one with universe yet when practicing it, but I want to feel it some day. 10.I'm afraid there are only a few people who can experience it. 11. 12.It's great that you did Bikram yoga for 90 minutes. 13.As for corerhythms, I have heard about it. 14.It must be beneficial for us to build our inner muscle. 15.Yoga and corerhythms work well to build it. 16. 17.The DVD I watched before must have been "Life and Debt". 18.You also watched it, didn't you? 19.There are some great documentary films which teach us what happened in the world. 20.I watched "The Fourth World War" yesterday. 21.It depicts some resistances to the unfair systems by people in the world. 22.It says in the end that this is an introduction of some people who share this planet with us. 23.I was impressed by people's power to fight against the oppression. 24.It's very useful to learn true history. 25. 26. 27.I'm looking forward to hearing from you. 28. 29. 30.Have a great day, 31. 32. 33.Xxxxxx （先生コメント） 01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. Use 's' for more than one. 08. Excellent natural phrase. 09. Good you could also say 'oneness' or 'universal connection'. 10. Use the word 'only' when talking about a limited amount of something. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. You could also say '...some resistance to the inequalities of the world'. 22. 23. 24. Great point! 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. Great email, very impressive. |
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Your self evaluation is quite right.
Your early work was more like a bunch of indivual sentences, while
the recent work flows more like conversation (which is how we
tend to wrtie friendly email. Also, the fact that you 'straighten
out' something from a previous email shows that you have confidence
in your |
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加入して初めて提出した課題と、半年後の課題です。なかなか文法上の間違いは減らせないのですが、「不自然」と指摘されるセンテンスが減り、「自然」されたセンテンスが増えてきて、いわゆる英語らしい表現が少しずつできてくるようになったかなと思っています。 |
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しばしば冠詞や前置詞を忘れる。単複を忘れるといった文法上のエラーを減らしたいと思います。また、もっと書くスピードを早くして、表現の幅を広くしていきたいです。 |
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最初はメールのみでしたが、課題とイベントには必ず参加するようにしています。正直、今回はパスしたいと思うことも多いのですが、今のところサボっていません。また添削していただいた結果は、必ず書き直しし、不明な部分はHotlineで質問しています。 辞書を引きなおすと思いもかけないイディオムや意味にぶつかることもありますので、今まで使っていなかった用法で、チャレンジフレーズはできるだけ使うようにしています。Daily Tidbitは毎朝メモして、メールの中で使うようにしています。 |
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| 2008/9/17
by Therese先生
01.Hi Bob, 02. 03.I'm very happy to hear you are coming to Japan. 04.I guess it's no wonder that you are anxious about earthquakes. Recently great earthquakes have often happened in Asia. 05. 06.I want you to refer that we are bearing it in mind. 07. 08.Confirm the evacuation site in the inhabitable area. 09. Fix large furniture in your home. 10.Confirm family's contact method in the emergency. 11.And you should prepare some water and food. You can get food and water for preservation at a nearby supermarket. 12. 13.There is evidence that the damage that you receive might be decreased if you execute . 14.So if you can, you should choose a new apartment. Because Japanese building standards have been severe , or rather , it is most severe in the world now. 15. 16.I prepare sneaker in my office to shelter. 17.I can tell you in fuller detail when you come to Japan 18.I’m looking forward to our reunion. 19. 20.See you soon . , 21. 22.Jun 23. （先生コメント） 01. 02. 03. 04. "are anxious" is more natural. Use a lower-case "g" here because "great" is not at the beginning of the sentence, nor is it a proper noun. 05. 06. "you" doesn't make sense here because you (Jun) are referring the information. 07. 08. 09. "Fix" can also mean repair so I think it's more clear to change this to "Secure". 10. 11. "at a" is more clear. 12. 13. "execute" doesn't make sense here, do you mean "prepare"? 14. It is unusual to start a sentence with "Because" because it usually turns into a sentence fragment, same for "Or". In this case, just start with "Japanese" and join these two sentences with a comma. "Japanese building standards have" is more natural. You need a comma after "rather". You don't need "it is" here because it is implied. 15. 16. I don't know what you mean here, a "sneaker" is either a shoe or a person who sneaks around, neither can "shelter" you. 17. 18. "our" is more personal. 19. 20. Use a comma here, not a period. 21. 22. 23. |
2009/4/13
by Leigh先生
01.Hello Dave, 02. 03.How are you doing? You feel you have a bad memory about means of when it comes to kanji , I hear. It happens to the best of us. I don’t blame you for feeling that way. You’ve come a long way from when you first started , but you would like to use more diverse of kanji than before. Hey, what are friends for? I ‘m here for you . Let me tell you the way I memorise Kanji . Knowing how to construct kanji is the key that opens the door to understanding their meanings ; that it is likely to the equivalent of a prefix or suffix in English words. Then you memorise five kanji having an identical construction every day. Five Kanji is nothing to sneeze at . One year later , even if you sometimes ditch studying , you will be able to memorise over one thousand. I'm sure it is a sufficient number of Kanji to express what you say like in Japanese. Don’t underestimate yourself. Take my word for it. 04.See you then. 05. 06.Aki 07. （先生コメント） 01. 02. 03. Whenever we talk about memory, we would tag on "when it comes to..." "He has a bad memory when it comes to names." "She has a bad memory when it comes to movies she has seen"... for example. "Kanji" doesn't require a capital letter. I changed a few, but didn't want to change them all as it would look like you made more errors than you actually did. Very naturally expressed. Great job. Very supportive. Perfect. Beautiful expression. With "keys", there's normally only one, so use 'the'. "Eating vegetables is THE key to a healthy life." I'm not sure, but what I think you're trying to express is learning these kanji characters is almost the same as learning prefixes... Wonderful idiom, well used. You mean, that learning five kanji is a difficult task? "Underestimate" is what you want to say. You don't want Dave to have a low expectation of himself. 04. 05. 06. 07. |
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Although it might be an odd way to express your improvement, I would say that your early work was black and white and your more recent work is color. What I mean is, your early work was clear and easy to undersatnd (with relatively few mistakes), but was rather 'textbook' style. In more recent work you are using idioms well and spicing up your writing. |
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冠詞とくにtheを付け落としているという点をよく直されました。冠詞にずいぶん敏感になりました。だいぶ飲み込めてきたように思います。 |
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明晰達意な英文が書ければと思います。細かなニュアンスが書き込めれば理想的です。表現力の幅をひろげたいです。 |
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毎月の課題のうち、少なくとも1つは提出するようにしています。添削結果と提出した原文を、何度も比較しています。 |
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| 2009/4/7
by Marcel先生
01.Yesterday I returned to Sendai from Minneapolis after about a 12 hour flight. During my stay in Minneapolis, I realized my English conversation skill was still poor and not frequent fluent . I decided to write a diary in English to brush up improve my English skill. In On the flight to Narita and the train to Sendai, I was reading a novel titled The Bridge of Madison County. I enjoyed almost half of the book (80 pages) . In my view, a covered bridges are a symbol of family, love, warm relationships and human bondage . Such relations might be out of fashion and forgotten, but are still essential. It is an the author's message repeated in this novel. The covered bridge is a successful symbol of in this novel. （先生コメント） 01. We don't usually use 'about' when we use a number as an adjective . You don't need 's' when you use a number as an adjective. 'My' makes it more personal. Use 'fluent' if you want to refer to how smooth you can speak. Use 'improve' for a more serious tone. We are 'on' a flight. We often put extra information in parenthesis. We usually use the plural (s) form when we make a general statement. Use 'in' because there are likely other symbols in the novel. Interesting reading of The Bridges of Madison County. Well done. |
2009/6/22
by Leigh先生
01.Shamisen 02. 03.Walking around in the evening in a historical city like Kyoto or Kanazawa, you can hear the sound of the shamisen. The shamisen is a traditional three-string instrument in Japan. Like the sitar in Indian music, the shamisen accompaniment has been essential for a lot of varieties of traditional music and plays including Kabuki and Bunraku. The head of the shamisen used to be made from cat skin. Recently, most shamisen heads are made from dog skin. Striking the strings with a plectrum or plucking with fingers is another specific point. I find varieties of female voices in the shamisen music; crying, lamenting, chatting, tempting and laughing. The Tsugaru zhamisen is a special type of the shamisen developed in the Tsugaru area, Aomori Prefecture, the northern end of the mainland Japan. Like male voices from the mountains, the sound of the Tsugaru zhamisen is stronger and louder than the feminine sound of the shamisen. 04. （先生コメント） 01. 02. 03. Very well-written. This is all very well written. This is a specific area, so say "The Tsugaru area." When giving a generic image of that part of the earth, then use "the mountains". 04. Great work. Very interesting indeed. Please come back soon. |
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You have manged to decrease the number of small mistakes you make. This is likely a combination of paying attention to teacher comments in your corrections and being more careful when you write. You also seem to be getting better at writing details. Your essays are generally clear and quite informative. |
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